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Full Online Book HomeFunny StoriesNutrition & Exercise: The Facts
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Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts Post by :dt2003 Category :Funny Stories Author :Unknown Date :April 2012 Read :4129

Click below to download : Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts (Format : PDF)

Nutrition & Exercise: The Facts

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie ... flour is a veggie! One more thing..."When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt."

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Psychiatric Hotline Psychiatric Hotline

Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press "2". If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", "5", and "6". If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Physicians Physicians

The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.- Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000.- Accidental deaths per physician, is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health & Human Services)Now think about this: - The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000. - The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all ages) is 1,500. - The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.Statistically, then, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors