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You Know You're Old... You Know You're Old...

You Know You're Old...
...When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light. ...When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you. ...When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. ...When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...You know you're getting old when your... Funny Stories - Post by : davethomas - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3385

Thirteen Thirteen

A young man was strolling down a street in South London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs and chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."... Funny Stories - Post by : shanekukec - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3024

Supersex Supersex

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."... Funny Stories - Post by : orson - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 5282

Old Money Old Money

Old Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month,... Funny Stories - Post by : John47 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2533

Aaadd Aaadd

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated  Attention Deficit Disorder.    This is how it manifests:     I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on  the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the  trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is  full.     So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out  the trash first.     But then I think, since... Funny Stories - Post by : Ian-Michael - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3153

50 Years 50 Years

50 Years
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot... Funny Stories - Post by : Dodger - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2488

A Senior's Worth A Senior's Worth

A Senior's Worth
What are seniors citizens worth? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet. As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John. After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot... Funny Stories - Post by : ubupats - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2749

Sex Tips For Seniors Sex Tips For Seniors

Sex Tips For Seniors
Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF ! Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin... just in case! Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.... Funny Stories - Post by : Dreamers - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3504

I'm A Senior Citizen I'm A Senior Citizen

I'm A Senior Citizen
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that... Funny Stories - Post by : Bryon - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2422

Problems Driving Problems Driving

Problems Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but... Funny Stories - Post by : thill22271 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1282

Sex And The Over 90's Sex And The Over 90's

Sex And The Over 90's
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and... Funny Stories - Post by : Karen_Lee_Leutz - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1514

Good & Bad News Good & Bad News

Good & Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."... Funny Stories - Post by : leadprofit - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3556

Heaven'ly Rewards Heaven'ly Rewards

Heaven'ly Rewards
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the... Funny Stories - Post by : Aguilus - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3250

Ma And Pa Ma And Pa

Ma And Pa
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. Ma said "What was that for?" Pa said "For forty years of bad sex." Ma said "Oh," and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said "What was that for?" Ma said "For knowing the difference."... Funny Stories - Post by : Scott_Johnson - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1923

Preventing Disease Preventing Disease

Preventing Disease
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the... Funny Stories - Post by : gaery - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2675

Bush, Powell, Blonde Bush, Powell, Blonde

Bush, Powell, Blonde
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in andasks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are youguys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde withbig tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him... Funny Stories - Post by : Don_G - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3133

Marooned Marooned

Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on an island. They came across a magic lamp and a genie came out. The genie said that he would grant them each a wish. The first blonde asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off... Funny Stories - Post by : RichardGrady - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1750

Compact Iq Compact Iq

Compact Iq
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sportscar for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact,opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to theblonde cop.After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes,hands the compact back... Funny Stories - Post by : chuck - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 4007

Ventriloquist Vs. Blonde Ventriloquist Vs. Blonde

Ventriloquist Vs. Blonde
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because... Funny Stories - Post by : toppito - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1826

Slight Confusion Slight Confusion

Slight Confusion
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."... Funny Stories - Post by : fifth_freedom - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1869