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Full Online Book HomeLong StoriesThe Voyage Out - Chapter 19
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The Voyage Out - Chapter 19 Post by :Bestodds Category :Long Stories Author :Virginia Woolf Date :February 2011 Read :918

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The Voyage Out - Chapter 19

But Hewet need not have increased his torments by imagining that
Hirst was still talking to Rachel. The party very soon broke up,
the Flushings going in one direction, Hirst in another, and Rachel
remaining in the hall, pulling the illustrated papers about,
turning from one to another, her movements expressing the unformed
restless desire in her mind. She did not know whether to go or
to stay, though Mrs. Flushing had commanded her to appear at tea.
The hall was empty, save for Miss Willett who was playing scales with
her fingers upon a sheet of sacred music, and the Carters, an opulent
couple who disliked the girl, because her shoe laces were untied,
and she did not look sufficiently cheery, which by some indirect
process of thought led them to think that she would not like them.
Rachel certainly would not have liked them, if she had seen them,
for the excellent reason that Mr. Carter waxed his moustache,
and Mrs. Carter wore bracelets, and they were evidently the kind
of people who would not like her; but she was too much absorbed
by her own restlessness to think or to look.

She was turning over the slippery pages of an American magazine,
when the hall door swung, a wedge of light fell upon the floor,
and a small white figure upon whom the light seemed focussed,
made straight across the room to her.

"What! You here?" Evelyn exclaimed. "Just caught a glimpse
of you at lunch; but you wouldn't condescend to look at _me_."

It was part of Evelyn's character that in spite of many snubs
which she received or imagined, she never gave up the pursuit
of people she wanted to know, and in the long run generally
succeeded in knowing them and even in making them like her.

She looked round her. "I hate this place. I hate these people,"
she said. "I wish you'd come up to my room with me. I do want to
talk to you."

As Rachel had no wish to go or to stay, Evelyn took her by the wrist
and drew her out of the hall and up the stairs. As they went upstairs
two steps at a time, Evelyn, who still kept hold of Rachel's hand,
ejaculated broken sentences about not caring a hang what people said.
"Why should one, if one knows one's right? And let 'em all go
to blazes! Them's my opinions!"

She was in a state of great excitement, and the muscles of her arms
were twitching nervously. It was evident that she was only waiting
for the door to shut to tell Rachel all about it. Indeed, directly they
were inside her room, she sat on the end of the bed and said,
"I suppose you think I'm mad?"

Rachel was not in the mood to think clearly about any one's state
of mind. She was however in the mood to say straight out whatever
occurred to her without fear of the consequences.

"Somebody's proposed to you," she remarked.

"How on earth did you guess that?" Evelyn exclaimed, some pleasure
mingling with her surprise. "Do as I look as if I'd just had
a proposal?"

"You look as if you had them every day," Rachel replied.

"But I don't suppose I've had more than you've had," Evelyn laughed
rather insincerely.

"I've never had one."

"But you will--lots--it's the easiest thing in the world--But that's
not what's happened this afternoon exactly. It's--Oh, it's a muddle,
a detestable, horrible, disgusting muddle!"

She went to the wash-stand and began sponging her cheeks with cold water;
for they were burning hot. Still sponging them and trembling slightly she
turned and explained in the high pitched voice of nervous excitement:
"Alfred Perrott says I've promised to marry him, and I say I never did.
Sinclair says he'll shoot himself if I don't marry him, and I say,
'Well, shoot yourself!' But of course he doesn't--they never do.
And Sinclair got hold of me this afternoon and began bothering me
to give an answer, and accusing me of flirting with Alfred Perrott,
and told me I'd no heart, and was merely a Siren, oh, and quantities
of pleasant things like that. So at last I said to him,
'Well, Sinclair, you've said enough now. You can just let me go.'
And then he caught me and kissed me--the disgusting brute--I can
still feel his nasty hairy face just there--as if he'd any right to,
after what he'd said!"

She sponged a spot on her left cheek energetically.

"I've never met a man that was fit to compare with a woman!"
she cried; "they've no dignity, they've no courage, they've nothing
but their beastly passions and their brute strength! Would any
woman have behaved like that--if a man had said he didn't want her?
We've too much self-respect; we're infinitely finer than they are."

She walked about the room, dabbing her wet cheeks with a towel.
Tears were now running down with the drops of cold water.

"It makes me angry," she explained, drying her eyes.

Rachel sat watching her. She did not think of Evelyn's position;
she only thought that the world was full or people in torment.

"There's only one man here I really like," Evelyn continued;
"Terence Hewet. One feels as if one could trust him."

At these words Rachel suffered an indescribable chill; her heart
seemed to be pressed together by cold hands.

"Why?" she asked. "Why can you trust him?"

"I don't know," said Evelyn. "Don't you have feelings about people?
Feelings you're absolutely certain are right? I had a long talk with
Terence the other night. I felt we were really friends after that.
There's something of a woman in him--" She paused as though she
were thinking of very intimate things that Terence had told her,
so at least Rachel interpreted her gaze.

She tried to force herself to say, "Has to be proposed to you?"
but the question was too tremendous, and in another moment Evelyn
was saying that the finest men were like women, and women were nobler
than men--for example, one couldn't imagine a woman like Lillah
Harrison thinking a mean thing or having anything base about her.

"How I'd like you to know her!" she exclaimed.

She was becoming much calmer, and her cheeks were now quite dry.
Her eyes had regained their usual expression of keen vitality,
and she seemed to have forgotten Alfred and Sinclair and her emotion.
"Lillah runs a home for inebriate women in the Deptford Road,"
she continued. "She started it, managed it, did everything off
her own bat, and it's now the biggest of its kind in England.
You can't think what those women are like--and their homes.
But she goes among them at all hours of the day and night.
I've often been with her. . . . That's what's the matter with us.
. . . We don't _do things. What do you _do_?" she demanded,
looking at Rachel with a slightly ironical smile. Rachel had scarcely
listened to any of this, and her expression was vacant and unhappy.
She had conceived an equal dislike for Lillah Harrison and her work
in the Deptford Road, and for Evelyn M. and her profusion of love
affairs.

"I play," she said with an affection of stolid composure.

"That's about it!" Evelyn laughed. "We none of us do anything
but play. And that's why women like Lillah Harrison, who's worth
twenty of you and me, have to work themselves to the bone.
But I'm tired of playing," she went on, lying flat on the bed,
and raising her arms above her head. Thus stretched out, she looked
more diminutive than ever.

"I'm going to do something. I've got a splendid idea. Look here,
you must join. I'm sure you've got any amount of stuff in you,
though you look--well, as if you'd lived all your life in a garden."
She sat up, and began to explain with animation. "I belong to a club
in London. It meets every Saturday, so it's called the Saturday Club.
We're supposed to talk about art, but I'm sick of talking about art--
what's the good of it? With all kinds of real things going on round one?
It isn't as if they'd got anything to say about art, either.
So what I'm going to tell 'em is that we've talked enough about art,
and we'd better talk about life for a change. Questions that really
matter to people's lives, the White Slave Traffic, Women Suffrage,
the Insurance Bill, and so on. And when we've made up our mind what
we want to do we could form ourselves into a society for doing it.
. . . I'm certain that if people like ourselves were to take
things in hand instead of leaving it to policemen and magistrates,
we could put a stop to--prostitution"--she lowered her voice
at the ugly word--"in six months. My idea is that men and women
ought to join in these matters. We ought to go into Piccadilly
and stop one of these poor wretches and say: 'Now, look here,
I'm no better than you are, and I don't pretend to be any better,
but you're doing what you know to be beastly, and I won't have
you doing beastly things, because we're all the same under
our skins, and if you do a beastly thing it does matter to me.'
That's what Mr. Bax was saying this morning, and it's true,
though you clever people--you're clever too, aren't you?--
don't believe it."

When Evelyn began talking--it was a fact she often regretted--
her thoughts came so quickly that she never had any time to listen
to other people's thoughts. She continued without more pause than
was needed for taking breath.

"I don't see why the Saturday club people shouldn't do a really great
work in that way," she went on. "Of course it would want organisation,
some one to give their life to it, but I'm ready to do that. My notion's
to think of the human beings first and let the abstract ideas take care
of themselves. What's wrong with Lillah--if there is anything wrong--
is that she thinks of Temperance first and the women afterwards.
Now there's one thing I'll say to my credit," she continued;
"I'm not intellectual or artistic or anything of that sort,
but I'm jolly human." She slipped off the bed and sat on the floor,
looking up at Rachel. She searched up into her face as if she were
trying to read what kind of character was concealed behind the face.
She put her hand on Rachel's knee.

"It _is being human that counts, isn't it?" she continued.
"Being real, whatever Mr. Hirst may say. Are you real?"

Rachel felt much as Terence had felt that Evelyn was too close
to her, and that there was something exciting in this closeness,
although it was also disagreeable. She was spared the need of
finding an answer to the question, for Evelyn proceeded, "Do you
_believe in anything?"

In order to put an end to the scrutiny of these bright blue eyes,
and to relieve her own physical restlessness, Rachel pushed back
her chair and exclaimed, "In everything!" and began to finger
different objects, the books on the table, the photographs,
the freshly leaved plant with the stiff bristles, which stood
in a large earthenware pot in the window.

"I believe in the bed, in the photographs, in the pot, in the balcony,
in the sun, in Mrs. Flushing," she remarked, still speaking recklessly,
with something at the back of her mind forcing her to say the things
that one usually does not say. "But I don't believe in God,
I don't believe in Mr. Bax, I don't believe in the hospital nurse.
I don't believe--" She took up a photograph and, looking at it,
did not finish her sentence.

"That's my mother," said Evelyn, who remained sitting on the floor
binding her knees together with her arms, and watching Rachel curiously.

Rachel considered the portrait. "Well, I don't much believe in her,"
she remarked after a time in a low tone of voice.

Mrs. Murgatroyd looked indeed as if the life had been crushed
out of her; she knelt on a chair, gazing piteously from behind
the body of a Pomeranian dog which she clasped to her cheek,
as if for protection.

"And that's my dad," said Evelyn, for there were two photographs
in one frame. The second photograph represented a handsome
soldier with high regular features and a heavy black moustache;
his hand rested on the hilt of his sword; there was a decided
likeness between him and Evelyn.

"And it's because of them," said Evelyn, "that I'm going
to help the other women. You've heard about me, I suppose?
They weren't married, you see; I'm not anybody in particular.
I'm not a bit ashamed of it. They loved each other anyhow,
and that's more than most people can say of their parents."

Rachel sat down on the bed, with the two pictures in her hands,
and compared them--the man and the woman who had, so Evelyn said,
loved each other. That fact interested her more than the campaign
on behalf of unfortunate women which Evelyn was once more beginning
to describe. She looked again from one to the other.

"What d'you think it's like," she asked, as Evelyn paused for a minute,
"being in love?"

"Have you never been in love?" Evelyn asked. "Oh no--one's only
got to look at you to see that," she added. She considered.
"I really was in love once," she said. She fell into reflection,
her eyes losing their bright vitality and approaching something like
an expression of tenderness. "It was heavenly!--while it lasted.
The worst of it is it don't last, not with me. That's the bother."

She went on to consider the difficulty with Alfred and Sinclair
about which she had pretended to ask Rachel's advice. But she did
not want advice; she wanted intimacy. When she looked at Rachel,
who was still looking at the photographs on the bed, she could not
help seeing that Rachel was not thinking about her. What was she
thinking about, then? Evelyn was tormented by the little spark of
life in her which was always trying to work through to other people,
and was always being rebuffed. Falling silent she looked at
her visitor, her shoes, her stockings, the combs in her hair,
all the details of her dress in short, as though by seizing every
detail she might get closer to the life within.

Rachel at last put down the photographs, walked to the window
and remarked, "It's odd. People talk as much about love as they
do about religion."

"I wish you'd sit down and talk," said Evelyn impatiently.

Instead Rachel opened the window, which was made in two long panes,
and looked down into the garden below.

"That's where we got lost the first night," she said. "It must
have been in those bushes."

"They kill hens down there," said Evelyn. "They cut their heads
off with a knife--disgusting! But tell me--what--"

"I'd like to explore the hotel," Rachel interrupted. She drew
her head in and looked at Evelyn, who still sat on the floor.

"It's just like other hotels," said Evelyn.

That might be, although every room and passage and chair
in the place had a character of its own in Rachel's eyes;
but she could not bring herself to stay in one place any longer.
She moved slowly towards the door.

"What is it you want?" said Evelyn. "You make me feel as if you
were always thinking of something you don't say. . . . Do say it!"

But Rachel made no response to this invitation either. She stopped
with her fingers on the handle of the door, as if she remembered
that some sort of pronouncement was due from her.

"I suppose you'll marry one of them," she said, and then turned
the handle and shut the door behind her. She walked slowly
down the passage, running her hand along the wall beside her.
She did not think which way she was going, and therefore walked
down a passage which only led to a window and a balcony. She looked
down at the kitchen premises, the wrong side of the hotel life,
which was cut off from the right side by a maze of small bushes.
The ground was bare, old tins were scattered about, and the bushes
wore towels and aprons upon their heads to dry. Every now and then
a waiter came out in a white apron and threw rubbish on to a heap.
Two large women in cotton dresses were sitting on a bench with
blood-smeared tin trays in front of them and yellow bodies across
their knees. They were plucking the birds, and talking as they plucked.
Suddenly a chicken came floundering, half flying, half running
into the space, pursued by a third woman whose age could hardly be
under eighty. Although wizened and unsteady on her legs she kept
up the chase, egged on by the laughter of the others; her face was
expressive of furious rage, and as she ran she swore in Spanish.
Frightened by hand-clapping here, a napkin there, the bird ran
this way and that in sharp angles, and finally fluttered straight
at the old woman, who opened her scanty grey skirts to enclose it,
dropped upon it in a bundle, and then holding it out cut its head
off with an expression of vindictive energy and triumph combined.
The blood and the ugly wriggling fascinated Rachel, so that although
she knew that some one had come up behind and was standing beside her,
she did not turn round until the old woman had settled down on
the bench beside the others. Then she looked up sharply, because of
the ugliness of what she had seen. It was Miss Allan who stood
beside her.

"Not a pretty sight," said Miss Allan, "although I daresay it's
really more humane than our method. . . . I don't believe you've
ever been in my room," she added, and turned away as if she meant
Rachel to follow her. Rachel followed, for it seemed possible
that each new person might remove the mystery which burdened her.

The bedrooms at the hotel were all on the same pattern, save that some
were larger and some smaller; they had a floor of dark red tiles;
they had a high bed, draped in mosquito curtains; they had each
a writing-table and a dressing-table, and a couple of arm-chairs.
But directly a box was unpacked the rooms became very different,
so that Miss Allan's room was very unlike Evelyn's room.
There were no variously coloured hatpins on her dressing-table;
no scent-bottles; no narrow curved pairs of scissors; no great variety
of shoes and boots; no silk petticoats lying on the chairs. The room
was extremely neat. There seemed to be two pairs of everything.
The writing-table, however, was piled with manuscript, and a table
was drawn out to stand by the arm-chair on which were two separate
heaps of dark library books, in which there were many slips of paper
sticking out at different degrees of thickness. Miss Allan had asked
Rachel to come in out of kindness, thinking that she was waiting
about with nothing to do. Moreover, she liked young women, for she
had taught many of them, and having received so much hospitality from
the Ambroses she was glad to be able to repay a minute part of it.
She looked about accordingly for something to show her. The room
did not provide much entertainment. She touched her manuscript.
"Age of Chaucer; Age of Elizabeth; Age of Dryden," she reflected;
"I'm glad there aren't many more ages. I'm still in the middle of
the eighteenth century. Won't you sit down, Miss Vinrace? The chair,
though small, is firm. . . . Euphues. The germ of the English novel,"
she continued, glancing at another page. "Is that the kind of thing
that interests you?"

She looked at Rachel with great kindness and simplicity, as though
she would do her utmost to provide anything she wished to have.
This expression had a remarkable charm in a face otherwise much lined
with care and thought.

"Oh no, it's music with you, isn't it?" she continued,
recollecting, "and I generally find that they don't go together.
Sometimes of course we have prodigies--" She was looking about her
for something and now saw a jar on the mantelpiece which she reached
down and gave to Rachel. "If you put your finger into this jar
you may be able to extract a piece of preserved ginger. Are you a prodigy?"

But the ginger was deep and could not be reached.

"Don't bother," she said, as Miss Allan looked about for some
other implement. "I daresay I shouldn't like preserved ginger."

"You've never tried?" enquired Miss Allan. "Then I consider that it
is your duty to try now. Why, you may add a new pleasure to life,
and as you are still young--" She wondered whether a button-hook
would do. "I make it a rule to try everything," she said. "Don't you
think it would be very annoying if you tasted ginger for the first
time on your death-bed, and found you never liked anything so much?
I should be so exceedingly annoyed that I think I should get well
on that account alone."

She was now successful, and a lump of ginger emerged on the end
of the button-hook. While she went to wipe the button-hook, Rachel
bit the ginger and at once cried, "I must spit it out!"

"Are you sure you have really tasted it?" Miss Allan demanded.

For answer Rachel threw it out of the window.

"An experience anyhow," said Miss Allan calmly. "Let me see--I have
nothing else to offer you, unless you would like to taste this."
A small cupboard hung above her bed, and she took out of it a slim
elegant jar filled with a bright green fluid.

"Creme de Menthe," she said. "Liqueur, you know. It looks
as if I drank, doesn't it? As a matter of fact it goes to prove
what an exceptionally abstemious person I am. I've had that jar
for six-and-twenty years," she added, looking at it with pride,
as she tipped it over, and from the height of the liquid it could
be seen that the bottle was still untouched.

"Twenty-six years?" Rachel exclaimed.

Miss Allan was gratified, for she had meant Rachel to be surprised.

"When I went to Dresden six-and-twenty years ago," she said,
"a certain friend of mine announced her intention of making me
a present. She thought that in the event of shipwreck or accident
a stimulant might be useful. However, as I had no occasion for it,
I gave it back on my return. On the eve of any foreign journey
the same bottle always makes its appearance, with the same note;
on my return in safety it is always handed back. I consider it a kind
of charm against accidents. Though I was once detained twenty-four
hours by an accident to the train in front of me, I have never met
with any accident myself. Yes," she continued, now addressing
the bottle, "we have seen many climes and cupboards together,
have we not? I intend one of these days to have a silver label
made with an inscription. It is a gentleman, as you may observe,
and his name is Oliver. . . . I do not think I could forgive you,
Miss Vinrace, if you broke my Oliver," she said, firmly taking the
bottle out of Rachel's hands and replacing it in the cupboard.

Rachel was swinging the bottle by the neck. She was interested
by Miss Allan to the point of forgetting the bottle.

"Well," she exclaimed, "I do think that odd; to have had a friend
for twenty-six years, and a bottle, and--to have made all those journeys."

"Not at all; I call it the reverse of odd," Miss Allan replied.
"I always consider myself the most ordinary person I know.
It's rather distinguished to be as ordinary as I am. I forget--
are you a prodigy, or did you say you were not a prodigy?"

She smiled at Rachel very kindly. She seemed to have known
and experienced so much, as she moved cumbrously about the room,
that surely there must be balm for all anguish in her words,
could one induce her to have recourse to them. But Miss Allan,
who was now locking the cupboard door, showed no signs of
breaking the reticence which had snowed her under for years.
An uncomfortable sensation kept Rachel silent; on the one hand,
she wished to whirl high and strike a spark out of the cool pink flesh;
on the other she perceived there was nothing to be done but to drift
past each other in silence.

"I'm not a prodigy. I find it very difficult to say what I mean--"
she observed at length.

"It's a matter of temperament, I believe," Miss Allan helped her.
"There are some people who have no difficulty; for myself I find
there are a great many things I simply cannot say. But then I
consider myself very slow. One of my colleagues now, knows whether
she likes you or not--let me see, how does she do it?--by the way you
say good-morning at breakfast. It is sometimes a matter of years
before I can make up my mind. But most young people seem to find
it easy?"

"Oh no," said Rachel. "It's hard!"

Miss Allan looked at Rachel quietly, saying nothing; she suspected
that there were difficulties of some kind. Then she put her hand
to the back of her head, and discovered that one of the grey coils
of hair had come loose.

"I must ask you to be so kind as to excuse me," she said, rising,
"if I do my hair. I have never yet found a satisfactory type
of hairpin. I must change my dress, too, for the matter of that;
and I should be particularly glad of your assistance, because there
is a tiresome set of hooks which I _can fasten for myself,
but it takes from ten to fifteen minutes; whereas with your help--"

She slipped off her coat and skirt and blouse, and stood doing
her hair before the glass, a massive homely figure, her petticoat
being so short that she stood on a pair of thick slate-grey legs.

"People say youth is pleasant; I myself find middle age far pleasanter,"
she remarked, removing hair pins and combs, and taking up her brush.
When it fell loose her hair only came down to her neck.

"When one was young," she continued, "things could seem so very
serious if one was made that way. . . . And now my dress."

In a wonderfully short space of time her hair had been reformed in its
usual loops. The upper half of her body now became dark green with black
stripes on it; the skirt, however, needed hooking at various angles,
and Rachel had to kneel on the floor, fitting the eyes to the hooks.

"Our Miss Johnson used to find life very unsatisfactory, I remember,"
Miss Allan continued. She turned her back to the light. "And then
she took to breeding guinea-pigs for their spots, and became
absorbed in that. I have just heard that the yellow guinea-pig
has had a black baby. We had a bet of sixpence on about it.
She will be very triumphant."

The skirt was fastened. She looked at herself in the glass with
the curious stiffening of her face generally caused by looking
in the glass.

"Am I in a fit state to encounter my fellow-beings?" she asked.
"I forget which way it is--but they find black animals very rarely
have coloured babies--it may be the other way round. I have had
it so often explained to me that it is very stupid of me to have
forgotten again."

She moved about the room acquiring small objects with quiet force,
and fixing them about her--a locket, a watch and chain, a heavy
gold bracelet, and the parti-coloured button of a suffrage society.
Finally, completely equipped for Sunday tea, she stood before Rachel,
and smiled at her kindly. She was not an impulsive woman, and her
life had schooled her to restrain her tongue. At the same time,
she was possessed of an amount of good-will towards others,
and in particular towards the young, which often made her regret
that speech was so difficult.

"Shall we descend?" she said.

She put one hand upon Rachel's shoulder, and stooping, picked up
a pair of walking-shoes with the other, and placed them neatly side
by side outside her door. As they walked down the passage they
passed many pairs of boots and shoes, some black and some brown,
all side by side, and all different, even to the way in which they
lay together.

"I always think that people are so like their boots," said Miss Allan.
"That is Mrs. Paley's--" but as she spoke the door opened,
and Mrs. Paley rolled out in her chair, equipped also for tea.

She greeted Miss Allan and Rachel.

"I was just saying that people are so like their boots,"
said Miss Allan. Mrs. Paley did not hear. She repeated it
more loudly still. Mrs. Paley did not hear. She repeated it
a third time. Mrs. Paley heard, but she did not understand.
She was apparently about to repeat it for the fourth time,
when Rachel suddenly said something inarticulate, and disappeared
down the corridor. This misunderstanding, which involved a complete
block in the passage, seemed to her unbearable. She walked quickly
and blindly in the opposite direction, and found herself at the end
of a _cul _de _sac_. There was a window, and a table and a
chair in the window, and upon the table stood a rusty inkstand,
an ashtray, an old copy of a French newspaper, and a pen with a
broken nib. Rachel sat down, as if to study the French newspaper,
but a tear fell on the blurred French print, raising a soft blot.
She lifted her head sharply, exclaiming aloud, "It's intolerable!"
Looking out of the window with eyes that would have seen nothing
even had they not been dazed by tears, she indulged herself at last
in violent abuse of the entire day. It had been miserable from
start to finish; first, the service in the chapel; then luncheon;
then Evelyn; then Miss Allan; then old Mrs. Paley blocking up
the passage. All day long she had been tantalized and put off.
She had now reached one of those eminences, the result of some crisis,
from which the world is finally displayed in its true proportions.
She disliked the look of it immensely--churches, politicians, misfits,
and huge impostures--men like Mr. Dalloway, men like Mr. Bax,
Evelyn and her chatter, Mrs. Paley blocking up the passage.
Meanwhile the steady beat of her own pulse represented the hot current
of feeling that ran down beneath; beating, struggling, fretting.
For the time, her own body was the source of all the life in the world,
which tried to burst forth here--there--and was repressed now by
Mr. Bax, now by Evelyn, now by the imposition of ponderous stupidity,
the weight of the entire world. Thus tormented, she would twist
her hands together, for all things were wrong, all people stupid.
Vaguely seeing that there were people down in the garden beneath
she represented them as aimless masses of matter, floating hither
and thither, without aim except to impede her. What were they doing,
those other people in the world?

"Nobody knows," she said. The force of her rage was beginning
to spend itself, and the vision of the world which had been so vivid
became dim.

"It's a dream," she murmured. She considered the rusty inkstand,
the pen, the ash-tray, and the old French newspaper. These small
and worthless objects seemed to her to represent human lives.

"We're asleep and dreaming," she repeated. But the possibility
which now suggested itself that one of the shapes might be
the shape of Terence roused her from her melancholy lethargy.
She became as restless as she had been before she sat down. She was
no longer able to see the world as a town laid out beneath her.
It was covered instead by a haze of feverish red mist. She had
returned to the state in which she had been all day. Thinking was
no escape. Physical movement was the only refuge, in and out
of rooms, in and out of people's minds, seeking she knew not what.
Therefore she rose, pushed back the table, and went downstairs.
She went out of the hall door, and, turning the corner of the hotel,
found herself among the people whom she had seen from the window.
But owing to the broad sunshine after shaded passages, and to
the substance of living people after dreams, the group appeared
with startling intensity, as though the dusty surface had been
peeled off everything, leaving only the reality and the instant.
It had the look of a vision printed on the dark at night.
White and grey and purple figures were scattered on the green,
round wicker tables, in the middle the flame of the tea-urn made
the air waver like a faulty sheet of glass, a massive green tree
stood over them as if it were a moving force held at rest.
As she approached, she could hear Evelyn's voice repeating monotonously,
"Here then--here--good doggie, come here"; for a moment nothing
seemed to happen; it all stood still, and then she realised that
one of the figures was Helen Ambrose; and the dust again began
to settle.

The group indeed had come together in a miscellaneous way;
one tea-table joining to another tea-table, and deck-chairs serving
to connect two groups. But even at a distance it could be seen
that Mrs. Flushing, upright and imperious, dominated the party.
She was talking vehemently to Helen across the table.

"Ten days under canvas," she was saying. "No comforts. If you
want comforts, don't come. But I may tell you, if you don't come
you'll regret it all your life. You say yes?"

At this moment Mrs. Flushing caught sight of Rachel.

"Ah, there's your niece. She's promised. You're coming, aren't you?"
Having adopted the plan, she pursued it with the energy of a child.

Rachel took her part with eagerness.

"Of course I'm coming. So are you, Helen. And Mr. Pepper too."
As she sat she realised that she was surrounded by people she knew,
but that Terence was not among them. From various angles people
began saying what they thought of the proposed expedition.
According to some it would be hot, but the nights would be cold;
according to others, the difficulties would lie rather in getting a boat,
and in speaking the language. Mrs. Flushing disposed of all objections,
whether due to man or due to nature, by announcing that her husband
would settle all that.

Meanwhile Mr. Flushing quietly explained to Helen that the expedition
was really a simple matter; it took five days at the outside;
and the place--a native village--was certainly well worth seeing
before she returned to England. Helen murmured ambiguously,
and did not commit herself to one answer rather than to another.

The tea-party, however, included too many different kinds of people
for general conversation to flourish; and from Rachel's point
of view possessed the great advantage that it was quite unnecessary
for her to talk. Over there Susan and Arthur were explaining
to Mrs. Paley that an expedition had been proposed; and Mrs. Paley
having grasped the fact, gave the advice of an old traveller that they
should take nice canned vegetables, fur cloaks, and insect powder.
She leant over to Mrs. Flushing and whispered something which
from the twinkle in her eyes probably had reference to bugs.
Then Helen was reciting "Toll for the Brave" to St. John Hirst,
in order apparently to win a sixpence which lay upon the table;
while Mr. Hughling Elliot imposed silence upon his section
of the audience by his fascinating anecdote of Lord Curzon
and the undergraduate's bicycle. Mrs. Thornbury was trying to
remember the name of a man who might have been another Garibaldi,
and had written a book which they ought to read; and Mr. Thornbury
recollected that he had a pair of binoculars at anybody's service.
Miss Allan meanwhile murmured with the curious intimacy which a spinster
often achieves with dogs, to the fox-terrier which Evelyn had at last
induced to come over to them. Little particles of dust or blossom
fell on the plates now and then when the branches sighed above.
Rachel seemed to see and hear a little of everything, much as a
river feels the twigs that fall into it and sees the sky above,
but her eyes were too vague for Evelyn's liking. She came across,
and sat on the ground at Rachel's feet.

"Well?" she asked suddenly. "What are you thinking about?"

"Miss Warrington," Rachel replied rashly, because she had to
say something. She did indeed see Susan murmuring to Mrs. Elliot,
while Arthur stared at her with complete confidence in his own love.
Both Rachel and Evelyn then began to listen to what Susan was saying.

"There's the ordering and the dogs and the garden, and the children
coming to be taught," her voice proceeded rhythmically as if checking
the list, "and my tennis, and the village, and letters to write
for father, and a thousand little things that don't sound much;
but I never have a moment to myself, and when I got to bed,
I'm so sleepy I'm off before my head touches the pillow. Besides I
like to be a great deal with my Aunts--I'm a great bore, aren't I,
Aunt Emma?" (she smiled at old Mrs. Paley, who with head slightly
drooped was regarding the cake with speculative affection), "and
father has to be very careful about chills in winter which means
a great deal of running about, because he won't look after himself,
any more than you will, Arthur! So it all mounts up!"

Her voice mounted too, in a mild ecstasy of satisfaction with her life
and her own nature. Rachel suddenly took a violent dislike to Susan,
ignoring all that was kindly, modest, and even pathetic about her.
She appeared insincere and cruel; she saw her grown stout and prolific,
the kind blue eyes now shallow and watery, the bloom of the cheeks
congealed to a network of dry red canals.

Helen turned to her. "Did you go to church?" she asked.
She had won her sixpence and seemed making ready to go.

"Yes," said Rachel. "For the last time," she added.

In preparing to put on her gloves, Helen dropped one.

"You're not going?" Evelyn asked, taking hold of one glove
as if to keep them.

"It's high time we went," said Helen. "Don't you see how silent
every one's getting--?"

A silence had fallen upon them all, caused partly by one of the
accidents of talk, and partly because they saw some one approaching.
Helen could not see who it was, but keeping her eyes fixed upon Rachel
observed something which made her say to herself, "So it's Hewet."
She drew on her gloves with a curious sense of the significance
of the moment. Then she rose, for Mrs. Flushing had seen Hewet too,
and was demanding information about rivers and boats which showed
that the whole conversation would now come over again.

Rachel followed her, and they walked in silence down the avenue.
In spite of what Helen had seen and understood, the feeling that was
uppermost in her mind was now curiously perverse; if she went on
this expedition, she would not be able to have a bath, the effort
appeared to her to be great and disagreeable.

"It's so unpleasant, being cooped up with people one hardly knows,"
she remarked. "People who mind being seen naked."

"You don't mean to go?" Rachel asked.

The intensity with which this was spoken irritated Mrs. Ambrose.

"I don't mean to go, and I don't mean not to go," she replied.
She became more and more casual and indifferent.

"After all, I daresay we've seen all there is to be seen;
and there's the bother of getting there, and whatever they
may say it's bound to be vilely uncomfortable."

For some time Rachel made no reply; but every sentence Helen spoke
increased her bitterness. At last she broke out--

"Thank God, Helen, I'm not like you! I sometimes think you don't think
or feel or care to do anything but exist! You're like Mr. Hirst.
You see that things are bad, and you pride yourself on saying so.
It's what you call being honest; as a matter of fact it's being lazy,
being dull, being nothing. You don't help; you put an end
to things."

Helen smiled as if she rather enjoyed the attack.

"Well?" she enquired.

"It seems to me bad--that's all," Rachel replied.

"Quite likely," said Helen.

At any other time Rachel would probably have been silenced by her
Aunt's candour; but this afternoon she was not in the mood to be
silenced by any one. A quarrel would be welcome.

"You're only half alive," she continued.

"Is that because I didn't accept Mr. Flushing's invitation?"
Helen asked, "or do you always think that?"

At the moment it appeared to Rachel that she had always seen the same
faults in Helen, from the very first night on board the _Euphrosyne_,
in spite of her beauty, in spite of her magnanimity and their love.

"Oh, it's only what's the matter with every one!" she exclaimed.
"No one feels--no one does anything but hurt. I tell you, Helen,
the world's bad. It's an agony, living, wanting--"

Here she tore a handful of leaves from a bush and crushed them
to control herself.

"The lives of these people," she tried to explain, the aimlessness,
the way they live. One goes from one to another, and it's all the same.
One never gets what one wants out of any of them."

Her emotional state and her confusion would have made her an easy
prey if Helen had wished to argue or had wished to draw confidences.
But instead of talking she fell into a profound silence as they
walked on. Aimless, trivial, meaningless, oh no--what she
had seen at tea made it impossible for her to believe that.
The little jokes, the chatter, the inanities of the afternoon had
shrivelled up before her eyes. Underneath the likings and spites,
the comings together and partings, great things were happening--
terrible things, because they were so great. Her sense of safety
was shaken, as if beneath twigs and dead leaves she had seen
the movement of a snake. It seemed to her that a moment's respite
was allowed, a moment's make-believe, and then again the profound
and reasonless law asserted itself, moulding them all to its liking,
making and destroying.

She looked at Rachel walking beside her, still crushing the leaves
in her fingers and absorbed in her own thoughts. She was in love,
and she pitied her profoundly. But she roused herself from
these thoughts and apologised. "I'm very sorry," she said,
"but if I'm dull, it's my nature, and it can't be helped." If it
was a natural defect, however, she found an easy remedy, for she went
on to say that she thought Mr. Flushing's scheme a very good one,
only needing a little consideration, which it appeared she had given
it by the time they reached home. By that time they had settled
that if anything more was said, they would accept the invitation.

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The Voyage Out - Chapter 20 The Voyage Out - Chapter 20

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When considered in detail by Mr. Flushing and Mrs. Ambrosethe expedition proved neither dangerous nor difficult. They found also that it was not even unusual. Every year at thisseason English people made parties which steamed a short way upthe river, landed, and looked at the native village, bought a certainnumber of things from the natives, and returned again withoutdamage done to mind or body. When it was discovered that sixpeople really wished the same thing the arrangements were soon carried out.Since the time of Elizabeth very few people had seen the river,and nothing has been done to change its
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The Voyage Out - Chapter 18 The Voyage Out - Chapter 18

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Everything he saw was distasteful to him. He hated the blue and white,the intensity and definiteness, the hum and heat of the south;the landscape seemed to him as hard and as romantic as a cardboardbackground on the stage, and the mountain but a wooden screenagainst a sheet painted blue. He walked fast in spite of the heatof the sun.Two roads led out of the town on the eastern side; one branched offtowards the Ambroses' villa, the other struck into the country,eventually reaching a village on the plain, but many footpaths,which had been stamped in the earth when it was
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