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Blonde Builders Blonde Builders

Blonde Builders
Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into. "Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?" "Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away." "You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."... Funny Stories - Post by : angelica - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1954

Mechanical Problem Mechanical Problem

Mechanical Problem
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"... Funny Stories - Post by : laffe - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3118

Jailbreak Jailbreak

Jailbreak
Three women escaped from prison.One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told... Funny Stories - Post by : Eliot_Proud - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2501

Dangerous Blow Job Dangerous Blow Job

Dangerous Blow Job
A guy walkedinto a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons."I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator... Funny Stories - Post by : Mike_Barcus - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2638

Indecent Exposure Indecent Exposure

Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you or indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"... Funny Stories - Post by : John_ward - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2501

The Dry Cleaner The Dry Cleaner

The Dry Cleaner
A blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garmentonthe counter."I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up mydress." shesays."Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" shereplies."This time it's mayonnaise."... Funny Stories - Post by : akulo - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3588

Twas The Night Before Christmas - Legal Version Twas The Night Before Christmas - Legal Version

Twas The Night Before Christmas - Legal Version
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there didoccur at a certain improved piece of real property(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by allcreatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., hadbeen affixed by and around the chimney in said House in thehope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometimethereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of theaforementioned House were located in their individual bedsand were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams,wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but notlimited to,... Funny Stories - Post by : Jim47 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2265

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA:Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA:I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC:Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me MANIC:Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID:Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER:You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. DEPRESSION:Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle... Funny Stories - Post by : PopUpSoft - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3311

Twelve Days Of Christmas Twelve Days Of Christmas

Twelve Days Of Christmas
14th DecemberDearest Darling John,I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in apear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling forthe lovely thought.With deep affection,You're ever loving Agnes.--------------------------------15th DecemberMy Dearest Darling John,Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. Iam delighted, they are adorable.All my love,Agnes-----------------------------------16th DecemberDearest Darling John,Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deservesuch generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.You're loving Agnes----------------------------------17th DecemberDear JohnWhat can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with thePostman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.Love... Funny Stories - Post by : Alvin - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2004

Night Before Christmas: Rude Version Night Before Christmas: Rude Version

Night Before Christmas: Rude Version
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The... Funny Stories - Post by : BEEMAN - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2998

Xmas In Heaven Xmas In Heaven

Xmas In Heaven
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at thepearlygates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, you must eachpossess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. Heflicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass throughthepearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. Heshook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass throughthe pearly gates.The third man started searching desperately through his pockets andfinallypulled out... Funny Stories - Post by : ollan - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1220

Merger Of Christmas And Hanukkah Merger Of Christmas And Hanukkah

Merger Of Christmas And Hanukkah
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers andacquisitions, it was announced today at a press conferencethat Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry sourcesaid that the deal had been in the works for about 1300years.While details were not available at press time, it isbelieved that the overhead cost of having twelve days ofChristmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitivefor both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the worldwill be able to enjoy consistently high-quality serviceduring the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday isbeing called.Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maidsa-milking being the hardest hit. As... Funny Stories - Post by : moneymancn - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 4150

The Perfect Couple The Perfect Couple

The Perfect Couple
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.Unfortunately,... Funny Stories - Post by : jimmyboyd - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2942

Turkey Poem Turkey Poem

Turkey Poem
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know;His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, "And soon you'll be thick once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;"And then one morning, when you're... Funny Stories - Post by : lcp2000 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3430

Ebonics Crimmus Pome Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Ebonics Crimmus Pome
Wuz de nite befo CrimmusAnd all ower da hoodereybody wuz sleepingDey wuz sleepin' good. We hunged up our stockingsAn hoped like de' heckThat old Santa ClauseBe bringin' our check. All o'de fambilyWuz layin in de bedsWhile Ripple and ThunderbirdDanced through dey heads. I passed out inna' flo'Right nex to my MawWhen I heard sech a fussI thunk: "It mus be de law!!! I looked out thru de barsWhat covered my doe'spectin' de sheriffWif a warrent fo sho. And what did I see;I said, "Lawd look at dat!"Ther' wuz a huge watermellonPulled by giant warf rats. Now ober all de yearsSanta Clause, he be whiteBut looks liken us... Funny Stories - Post by : Lee_Norris - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3849

Santa's Pilots License Santa's Pilots License

Santa's Pilots License
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from theFederal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly beforeChristmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation,Santahad the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork wasin order.The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check thereindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. Hepainstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balancecalculations for sled'senormous payload.Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in andfastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked thecompass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa'ssurprise, a shotgun."What's that for?"... Funny Stories - Post by : Eric_McCrea - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3611

An Announcement From Santa An Announcement From Santa

An Announcement From Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I willno longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Dueto the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract wasrenegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serveonly certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milkand cookies so keep that in mind.However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands withyour local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the... Funny Stories - Post by : nitya - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 880

3 Holy Men 3 Holy Men

3 Holy Men
3 holy men on a sinking ship at sea. The minister shouts "Save the children!!". The rabbi shouts "Fuck the children!!." The priest shouts: "Do we have time?"... Funny Stories - Post by : Victor_C. - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3108

Father O'grady Father O'grady

Father O'grady
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father." "Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible.Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"... Funny Stories - Post by : gaery - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 725

Noah's Ark - 21st Century Noah's Ark - 21st Century

Noah's Ark - 21st Century
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete... Funny Stories - Post by : selva - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1899