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The Rules Post by :leesumm Category :Funny Stories Author :Unknown Date :April 2012 Read :2446

Click below to download : The Rules (Format : PDF)

The Rules

...from the male side - note they are all numbered 1

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1) Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

1) Sometimes we are not thinking about you - learn to live with it.

1) Sunday equals sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1) Don't ever cut your hair. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

1) Shopping is not a sport and we will never think of it as such.

1) Crying is blackmail.

1)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.

1) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays etc. on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1) Come to us with your problems only if you want help solving them. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

1) A headache that lasts for 13 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1) Check your oil. Please.

1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 24 hours.

1) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us - we refuse to answer.

1) If we said something that can be interpreted two ways and one way makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.

1) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1) If you already know how best to do something, just do it yourself.

1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1) You have enough clothes.

1) You have too many shoes.

1) Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are to you.

1) I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

1) Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

1) Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

1) Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

1) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

1) Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

1) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

1) No, it does not matter which quiz.

1) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

1) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

1) Women wearing Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

1) More women should wear Wonder-bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

1) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

1) Pumpkin is also a fruit.

1) If it itches, it will be scratched.

1) If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

1) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1) If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

1) Thank you for reading this and yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

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Men Stuff Men Stuff

Men Stuff
NICKNAMESIf Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch,they will call eachother Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out,they will affectionately refer to each other as FatBoy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and Johnwill each throw in $20, even though it's only for$32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, andnone will actually admit they want change back.When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn'twant.BATHROOMSA

Prayers Before Bed Prayers Before Bed

Prayers Before Bed
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked,"Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said,"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died.The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died.Oh my gosh,