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Fake Steve Wright Quotes Post by :tobjack Category :Funny Stories Author :Unknown Date :April 2012 Read :5404

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Fake Steve Wright Quotes

I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, Don't I know you?

I had amnesia once. Or twice.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, the whole time.

The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. He looked at me and said, Do I know you?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

This isn't all true.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, Five. He said, When I was your age, I was six.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, Can I help you? And I said Yeah, do you got anything I like? He said, What do you mean do we have anything you like? I said, You started this.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, Give me two boys and a girl.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Is tired old cliché one?

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, Do you live around here often? She said, You're wearing two different colored socks. I said, Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.

I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, Here, you can go.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds AMAZING.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, Cut it out.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, Go ahead, touch it... It feels real.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an

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"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme, sports presenter BBC 1 "Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (John Arlott) "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe) "Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett "Henry Horton's got