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Fake Steve Wright Quotes 2 Post by :rocketman Category :Funny Stories Author :Unknown Date :April 2012 Read :2594

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Fake Steve Wright Quotes 2

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, Steven, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was woman.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said Help Wanted. There was another sign below it that said Self Service. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, No, these are leaving at 3.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, I ain't flying no where. I said, What's your problem buddy? He said, I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird. I said, Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed 1 and he just stood there... I said, Hi, where you going? He said, Phoenix. So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with. We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said, Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the government. I asked what kind of research. He said, I'm trying to determine who REALLY built the pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'. Then the phone rang. He said, You get it. I picked it up and said, Hello?... The other side said, Is this Steven Wright?... I said, Yes... The guy said, Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money? I said, Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It p*sses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, Only you can prevent forest fires. I thought Who? Me? So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- Gotta go to work.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a mime.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire....

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put mirrors around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company sends me a check each month.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, Here, change this bulb. I said, I'll need some friends.

How young can you die of old age?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, So. What did you think?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, Hello? And I said, Hello, could I speak to Joey?... They said, Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old. I said, I'll wait.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep well? I said, No, I made a few mistakes.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, Gimme all your money. I said, Wait a minute. I said, George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you. The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I filled out an application that said, In Case Of Emergency Notify ________. I wrote Doctor... What's my MOTHER going to do?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. It was supposed to be hot today.

Today I... No, that wasn't me.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I'm kind of tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

You know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

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Quotes About Dogs Quotes About Dogs

Quotes About Dogs
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.-- Groucho Marx If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.-- Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.-- Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.-- Gene Hill In dog years,

Fake Steve Wright Quotes Fake Steve Wright Quotes

Fake Steve Wright Quotes
I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, Don't I know you?I had amnesia once. Or twice.I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?Even snakes are afraid of snakes.On the other hand... You have different fingers.If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? It doesn't matter what temperature the room