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Astrological Signs - "dear God" Astrological Signs - "dear God"

Astrological Signs - "dear God"
ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now? TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick. GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God? CANCER: Dear God!!! LEO: Yes? VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time!LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do You think is best? SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the bastards don't deserve it! SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord,... Funny Stories - Post by : imdreams - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3603

God's Gift To Adam God's Gift To Adam

God's Gift To Adam
God said: Adam. I'm going to give you a beautiful, loving creature. A great-looking 'woman', with the best body in the universe, the greatest mind on Earth, the will to serve you, cook for you, help you, support you and do your bidding. Woman will be your sex-slave, and yet, she will love you no matter what. She will respect you, and care for you and always always be there for you, loyal, trustworthy, beautiful and willing. And to get this woman, you will have to give me an arm and a leg. Adam. said: Geez, God. That sounds cool. But... Funny Stories - Post by : richall - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2500

Mother Teresa Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa
God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates."Art thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God."I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk ofrye bread, and they share it.While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresahappens to look down into Hell and sees theinhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,pheasants, pastries and fine wines!Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet. The next day God again invites Mother Teresa tojoin him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread.Again, looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizensof Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles andchocolates. Still... Funny Stories - Post by : amit2602 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2800

And Then There Were Pets And Then There Were Pets

And Then There Were Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis hasprovided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden,You walked with us every day. Now we do not see Youanymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficultfor us to remember how much You love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companionfor you that will be with you forever and who will bea reflection of my love for you, so that you willlove me even when you cannot see me. Regardless ofhow selfish or childish or unlovable you may... Funny Stories - Post by : MickiGuids - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2781

Papal Visit Papal Visit

Papal Visit
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him,... Funny Stories - Post by : ianherculson - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1129

New Priest New Priest

New Priest
There was a new priest who was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor: 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.2. There... Funny Stories - Post by : lukilady - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2671

Two Nuns Two Nuns

Two Nuns
There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eightand a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM:... Funny Stories - Post by : a2zmac - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3561

Florida Florida

Florida
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for sixdays. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventhday. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance. "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of the... Funny Stories - Post by : peppe - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 873

Stay Awake In The Sermon Stay Awake In The Sermon

Stay Awake In The Sermon
One day Mrs Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the... Funny Stories - Post by : Unitysound - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2380

Ethnicity Of Jesus Ethnicity Of Jesus

Ethnicity Of Jesus
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence: THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:1. His first name was Jesus2. He was bilingual3. He was always being harassed by the authorities But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS BLACK:1. He called everybody "brother"2. He liked Gospel3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS JEWISH:1. He went into His Father's business2. He lived at home until he was 333. He was sure... Funny Stories - Post by : wealthwiser - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3384

The Book Of Genesis The Book Of Genesis

The Book Of Genesis
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this. This kicks ass." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion... Funny Stories - Post by : Brian_Keith - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2885

Monastery Of Silence Monastery Of Silence

Monastery Of Silence
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You arewelcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by thePriest. "You... Funny Stories - Post by : jschulmansr - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1633

A Nun And A Priest A Nun And A Priest

A Nun And A Priest
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On thethird day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. Afterdusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.After a long period of silence, the priest spoke."Well sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know father.", the nun answered."In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two.""I agree." said the nun."Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would youdo something for me?""Anything father.""I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if... Funny Stories - Post by : bongo3 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 894

God Grants One Wish God Grants One Wish

God Grants One Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!The concrete and steel it... Funny Stories - Post by : horseman123 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3035

Pearly Gates Pearly Gates

Pearly Gates
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you... Funny Stories - Post by : lduncanjr - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2135

Baptizing A Drunk Baptizing A Drunk

Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again... Funny Stories - Post by : Advertiser-Pro - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2288

Jesus At The 
	pearly Gates Jesus At The pearly Gates

Jesus At The 
	pearly Gates
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"  "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus... Funny Stories - Post by : linsapp - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2742

Check Up Check Up

Check Up
A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the Bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?" "Your name never came up, " she replied.... Funny Stories - Post by : ODA_Marketing - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1501

The Harmonica The Harmonica

The Harmonica
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in theStates to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time andkeep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent thebest one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much!" The wife, keeping her distance,... Funny Stories - Post by : freeman~crying - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1625

Weighty Issue Weighty Issue

Weighty Issue
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."... Funny Stories - Post by : kenetrix - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3020