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Steven Wright Quotes Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Quotes
The waitress said they served breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.Scattered showers my ass. -- NoahBlack holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.OK, so what's the speed of dark?How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Support bacteria - they're the only... Funny Stories - Post by : thicks - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3560

Frank Zappa Quotes Frank Zappa Quotes

Frank Zappa Quotes
Interviewer: So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman? FZ: You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table? You can't always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream. Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join the master race. How's that for a religion?People who think of videos as an art form are... Funny Stories - Post by : sandstorm - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3890

Funny Kevin Keegan Quotes Funny Kevin Keegan Quotes

Funny Kevin Keegan Quotes
Former soccer player and coachKevin Keegan's grasp of the metaphor shows us all that there is always a carrot at the end of the tunnel."They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that." "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none." "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card." "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona." "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world." "You can't do better than... Funny Stories - Post by : moneylicious - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2861

Funny Tv And Radio Presenter Quotes (uk) Funny Tv And Radio Presenter Quotes (uk)

Funny Tv And Radio Presenter Quotes (uk)
Jon Snow (presenter/interviewer): "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?" Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News) Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy, four very different names. (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3) "Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine) Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day." Simon Fanshawe (radio... Funny Stories - Post by : 46691 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3553

Cold War Cold War

Cold War
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian... Funny Stories - Post by : danwajs1 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3094

Stupid Bush Stupid Bush

Stupid Bush
G.W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid so he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a... Funny Stories - Post by : jfjarrett - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2465

Misc. Political Quotes Misc. Political Quotes

Misc. Political Quotes
"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git." Alexai Sayle. "In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes." Adlai Stevenson. "The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous. "The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." Bob Dole. "I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." Jimmy Carter. "I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency,... Funny Stories - Post by : Taser912 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1839

Bush Quotes Bush Quotes

Bush Quotes
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.""I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.""Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?""What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.""It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in... Funny Stories - Post by : cforssell - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 920

Nixon Vs Clinton Nixon Vs Clinton

Nixon Vs Clinton
Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns Nixon: Vice President: Greek Clinton: Vice President: Geek Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon: Known as tricky Dick Clinton: no difference Nixon: Ex-president Clinton: Sex President Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor. Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.... Funny Stories - Post by : jcomm - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3415

Hillary Hillary

Hillary
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks ''Can I get into heaven now?'' He says ''Soon, I have some things to take care of.'' So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked ''St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?'' St Peter replies... Funny Stories - Post by : digihelen - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3248

Praying For A Bike Praying For A Bike

Praying For A Bike
A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to... Funny Stories - Post by : Moneystreets - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2796

Three Boys Three Boys

Three Boys
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says:" Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says:" Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:" You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home... Funny Stories - Post by : skynote - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2357

John Hinckley John Hinckley

John Hinckley
You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parent's home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is such a nice letter from President Bush to Mr. Hinckley  written during the 04 election campaign: THE WHITE HOUSE WASHINGTON D.C. Mr. John Hinckley St. Elizabeth's Hospital Washington, DC Dear John: Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We werepleased to hear that you are now... Funny Stories - Post by : gcbarker - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3545

How Government Works How Government Works

How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said," Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said," How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said," How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do... Funny Stories - Post by : luanaflacco - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3297

A Story Of Creation A Story Of Creation

A Story Of Creation
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What... Funny Stories - Post by : docdurdin - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3385

Saddam And Clinton Saddam And Clinton

Saddam And Clinton
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on... Funny Stories - Post by : pjgauthier - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1441

Quayle Quotes Quayle Quotes

Quayle Quotes
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I havewas that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could conversewith those people." "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother andchild." "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.""Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the samedistance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictureswhere there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, thatmeans there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.""What... Funny Stories - Post by : RonCummings - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3002

Al Gore's New Program Al Gore's New Program

Al Gore's New Program
Out of curiosity, Joe asked ''AL, I see you're a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common'' With a condescending voice, Al quipped, '' yes, of course we do Joe'' Joe then asked '' Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash'' Al gladly told Joe about his new program. '' Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in... Funny Stories - Post by : pandoracon - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2325

Clinton Goes To Heaven Clinton Goes To Heaven

Clinton Goes To Heaven
President Clinton had just died and wound up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven..."And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.""Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton."Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you... Funny Stories - Post by : Joey_Phillips - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1045

Winston Churchill Quotes Winston Churchill Quotes

Winston Churchill Quotes
"When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.""A sheep in sheep's clothing"On Clement Atlee "A modest man, who has much to be modest about"On Clement Atlee"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"On Clement Atlee"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived"On Stanley Baldwin"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing... Funny Stories - Post by : KevinNitro - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1691