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Full Online Book HomeFunny StoriesA History Of The World...
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A History Of The World... Post by :janfls Category :Funny Stories Author :Unknown Date :April 2012 Read :2381

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A History Of The World...

...according to students.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they allwrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled byCamelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that theinhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. Inthe first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Evewere created from an apple tree.One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I mybrother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, wherethey made unleavened bread which is bread made withoutany ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the tencommandments. He died before he ever reachedCanada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundredporcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, andwithout them we wouldn't have history.The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a femalemoth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but byanother man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went aroundgiving people advice. They killed him. Socrates diedfrom an overdose of wedlock. After his death, hiscareer suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,hurled the biscuits,and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.History calls peopleRomans because they never stayedin one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on thebattlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered himbecause they thought he was going to be madeking.Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture hissubjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should behanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer whowrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrowthrough an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queenshe was a success.When she exposed herself before her troops theyall shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation ofblood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure becausehe invented cigarettes and started smoking.And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world witha 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was WilliamShakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedlyon his birthday. He never made much money and isfamous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamicpentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of aheroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid byJuliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was MiguelCervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great authorwas John Milton.Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then hiswife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. ChristopherColumbus was a great navigator who discovered Americawhile cursing about the Atlantic. His ships werecalled the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and thiswas called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 wasa hard one for the settlers. Many people died and manybabies were born. Captain John Smith was responsiblefor all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was theEnglish put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonistswould send their parcels through the post withoutstamps. Finally the colonists won the War and nolonger had to pay for taxis. Delegates from theoriginal 13 states formed the Contented Congress.Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin weretwo singers of the declaration of Independence.Franklin discoveredelectricity by rubbing two cats backwards anddeclared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.".Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States wasadopted to secure domestic hostility. Under theconstitution the people enjoyed the right to keep barearms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatestPrecedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and hewas born in a log cabin which he built with his ownhands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing theEmasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in hisseat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, asupposedly insane actor.This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was areasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity andalso wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It ischiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples arefalling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musicalcompositions and had a large number of children. Inbetween he practiced on an old spinster which he keptup in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.Bach was the most famous composer in the world and sowas Handel. Handel was half German half Italian andhalf English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. Hewas so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks inthe forest even when everyone was calling for him.Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before ithappened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wantedan heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine wasa baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire becausethe British Empire is in the East and the sun sets inthe West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on athorn for 63 years.

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Assignment Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class anassignment:Go home and get their parents to tell them astorywith a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one by onebeganto tell their stories: Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lotof egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggsto market in a basket on the front seat of the pickupwhen we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked theteacher. "Don't put all your eggs in

From The Mouths Of Babes From The Mouths Of Babes

From The Mouths Of Babes
Some of these may be True. We doubt that though. 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.Five minutes later....."Da-ad....""What?""I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?""No, You had your chance. Lights out."Five