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Another Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes Another Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes

Another Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes
I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks! He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, Yes, but not right now. Four years ago... No, it was yesterday... Is it weird in here, or is it just me? My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know? I said, Heck no, why? Doesn't matter, just go... Funny Stories - Post by : research - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1375

Quotes About Cats Quotes About Cats

Quotes About Cats
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens -- Abraham LincolnDogs have Owners, Cats have Staff. -- AnonThere are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. -- AnonIf a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North WhiteheadCats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, ''I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?'' -- Bette MidlerThe cat could very well... Funny Stories - Post by : patstone - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1416

Quotes About Dogs Quotes About Dogs

Quotes About Dogs
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.-- Groucho Marx If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.-- Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.-- Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.-- Gene Hill In dog years,... Funny Stories - Post by : Atkinson - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2004

Fake Steve Wright Quotes 2 Fake Steve Wright Quotes 2

Fake Steve Wright Quotes 2
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an... Funny Stories - Post by : rocketman - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1321

Fake Steve Wright Quotes Fake Steve Wright Quotes

Fake Steve Wright Quotes
I went to a fancy French restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, Don't I know you?I had amnesia once. Or twice.I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?Even snakes are afraid of snakes.On the other hand... You have different fingers.If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? It doesn't matter what temperature the room... Funny Stories - Post by : tobjack - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3935

Funny Sports (mis)quotes Funny Sports (mis)quotes

Funny Sports (mis)quotes
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme, sports presenter BBC 1 "Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (John Arlott) "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe) "Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett "Henry Horton's got... Funny Stories - Post by : sweden - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2254

Funny Horse Racing Quotes Funny Horse Racing Quotes

Funny Horse Racing Quotes
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!" Desmond Lynam (sports presenter): "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." (BBC) Willie Carson, riding his 180th winner of the season, spent the last two furlongs looking over one shoulder, then another between his legs, but there was nothing there to worry him." (Sporting Life) This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. (Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator) The US Postal Service honored legendary race horse champion Secretariat with his own postage stamp. That shows you how strange life is for racehorses.... Funny Stories - Post by : bradleyweb - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 4085

Funny Gordon Strachan Quotes Funny Gordon Strachan Quotes

Funny Gordon Strachan Quotes
Scot Gordon Strachan was one of British soccer's greats. After moving into management he quickly acquired a reputation for biting wit. Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad? Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish! Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity" (walks off) Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around? Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless." Reporter: Is that your best... Funny Stories - Post by : missmimz - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 4091

Funny Soccer Quotes Funny Soccer Quotes

Funny Soccer Quotes
Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales. (Ron Greenwood) Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him (Stuart Pearson) If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing. (Terry Venables) To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. (Ruud Gullit) Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw. (Ron Atkinson) An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal. (Dave Bassett, Sky Sports) Ardiles strokes the ball... Funny Stories - Post by : luis1234567890 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1611

Funny Boxing Quotes 2 Funny Boxing Quotes 2

Funny Boxing Quotes 2
Frank Bruno: "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost. " Marlon Starling: "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" Dennis Pennis: Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography? Chris Eubank: On what? Don King, on boxing's rating system: "When we started, it was based on lies. It's changing now. There are no secrets in the business. You've got to come with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It's becoming very confusing." Buddy McGirt, when he was asked by Gil Clancy who would win the up-coming fight... Funny Stories - Post by : christibelle - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2071

Funny Boxing Quotes Funny Boxing Quotes

Funny Boxing Quotes
Willie Pep, talking to an old opponent years after each retired. "Do you recognize me?" the old opponent asked. Willie looked hard and considered before finally replying "Lie down so I can recognize you." Mark Kaylor: "I'm concentrating so much I don't know what I'm doing half the time." Willie Pastrano, when asked by the ring doctor if he knew where he was: "You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the sh*t knocked out of me." Henry Cooper, replying to boxing abolitionist, Baroness Edith Summerskill, about the brutalities of his sport. Baroness: "Mr. Cooper, have you looked in the mirror... Funny Stories - Post by : guydavis - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3106

Muhammad Ali Quotes Muhammad Ali Quotes

Muhammad Ali Quotes
 "There's nothing wrong with getting knocked down, as long as you get right back up." When asked about his golf game: "I'm the best. I just haven't played yet."  "Howard Cosell was gonna be a boxer when he was a kid—only they couldn't find a mouthpiece big enough."  "I'm so mean I make medicine sick."  "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."  "At home I am a nice guy—but I don't want the world to know. Humble people, I've found, don't get very far."  "It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am."  "If they can... Funny Stories - Post by : diablo2_v - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3432

Funny Football Quotes 4 Funny Football Quotes 4

Funny Football Quotes 4
Jim Brosnahan, the defense attorney representing the city of Oakland in the NFL team's suit against the city of Oakland, after a couple of lively courtroom exchanges between Brosnahan and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, this exchange took place in court: BROSNAHAN - "Would it be fair to say you turned around the Raiders in the 1960s?" DAVIS - "You're being too kind to me." BROSNAHAN - "It won't last. Let's enjoy the moment." Conan O'Brien, on the NFL starting its own cable network: This is good because up until now, the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of the NFL players... Funny Stories - Post by : marketingtest - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1498

Funny Football Quotes 3 Funny Football Quotes 3

Funny Football Quotes 3
Chuck Mills: "When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids." Luke Salisbury: "Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it." Sue Lawley: "American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party." Frank Middleton, Oakland Raiders; prior to Super Bowl XXXVII he was asked what was the best thing his ex-head coach Jon Gruden did for the Oakland Raiders. Frank said: "Leave." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He... Funny Stories - Post by : SteveQ - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2783

Funny Football Quotes 2 Funny Football Quotes 2

Funny Football Quotes 2
Dick Butkus: "I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something." Jack Tatum: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault." Jim Finks, when asked after a loss what he thought of the officiating: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy referees." Dave Barry: "I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is... Funny Stories - Post by : bytor500 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3473

Funny Football Quotes Funny Football Quotes

Funny Football Quotes
Tony Kornheiser: "Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo." Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: "If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?" Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point." Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different... Funny Stories - Post by : rjj2308 - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 4435

Misc. Funny Quotes [unattributed]. Misc. Funny Quotes [unattributed].

Misc. Funny Quotes [unattributed].
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.... Funny Stories - Post by : lyndonfriend - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 2015

Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes

Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! Everybody repeat after me.....We are all individuals. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. Beware of geeks bearing gifts. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any... Funny Stories - Post by : istana - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3801

Even More Steven Wright Quotes Even More Steven Wright Quotes

Even More Steven Wright Quotes
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch... Funny Stories - Post by : websioux - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 3024

More Steven Wright Quotes More Steven Wright Quotes

More Steven Wright Quotes
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. When I'm not in my right... Funny Stories - Post by : wigbrs - Date : April 2012 - Author : Unknown - Read : 1509