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Trial By Jury Trial By Jury

Trial By Jury
DRAMATIS PERSONAETHE LEARNED JUDGETHE PLAINTIFFTHE DEFENDANTCOUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFFUSHERFOREMAN OF THE JURYASSOCIATEFIRST BRIDESMAIDFirst produced at the Royalty Theatre, London, March 25, 1875SCENE - A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymen discovered.CHORUSHark, the hour of ten is sounding:Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding,Breathing hope and fear--For to-day in this arena,Summoned by a stern subpoena,Edwin, sued by Angelina,Shortly will appear.(Enter Usher)SOLO - USHERNow, Jurymen, hear my advice--All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI pray you set aside:With stern, judicial frame of mindFrom bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.CHORUSFrom bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried.(During... Plays - Post by : cricket - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 766

The Played-out Humorist The Played-out Humorist

The Played-out Humorist
Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is,Who seeks for jocularities that haven't yet been said.The world has joked incessantly for over fifty centuries,And every joke that's possible has long ago been made.I started as a humorist with lots of mental fizziness,But humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse;For my stock-in-trade, my fixtures, and the goodwill of the businessNo reasonable offer I am likely to refuse.And if anybody chooseHe may circulate the newsThat no reasonable offer I'm likely to refuse.Oh happy was that humorist - the first that made a pun at all -Who when a joke... Poems - Post by : madec - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 2059

The Disconcerted Tenor The Disconcerted Tenor

The Disconcerted Tenor
A tenor, all singers above(This doesn't admit of a question),Should keep himself quiet,Attend to his diet,And carefully nurse his digestion.But when he is madly in love,It's certain to tell on his singing -You can't do chromaticsWith proper emphaticsWhen anguish your bosom is wringing!When distracted with worries in plenty,And his pulse is a hundred and twenty,And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is,A tenor can't do himself justice.Now observe - (SINGS A HIGH NOTE) -You see, I can't do myself justice!I could sing, if my fervour were mock,It's easy enough if you're acting,But when one's emotionIs born of devotion,You mustn't be... Poems - Post by : charly - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 3182

The Independent Bee The Independent Bee

The Independent Bee
A hive of bees, as I've heard say,Said to their Queen one sultry day,"Please your Majesty's high position,The hive is full and the weather is warm,We rather think, with a due submission,The time has come when we ought to swarm."Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.Up spake their Queen and thus spake she -"This is a matter that rests with me,Who dares opinions thus to form?I'LL tell you when it is time to swarm!"Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.Her Majesty wore an angry frown,In fact, her Majesty's foot was down -Her Majesty sulked - declined to sup -In short, her Majesty's back was up.Buzz, buzz, buzz,... Poems - Post by : Success - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 2429

Her Terms Her Terms

Her Terms
My wedded lifeMust every pleasure bringOn scale extensive!If I'm your wifeI must have everythingThat's most expensive -A lady's-maid -(My hair alone to doI am not able) -And I'm afraidI've been accustomed toA first-rate table.These things one must consider when one marries -And everything I wear must come from Paris!Oh, think of that!Oh, think of that!I can't wear anything that's not from Paris!From top to toesQuite Frenchified I am,If you examine.And then - who knows? -Perhaps some day a fam -Perhaps a famine!My argument's correct, if you examine,What should we do, if there should come a f-famine!Though in green peaYourself you needn't... Poems - Post by : beamer1 - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1314

The National Anthem The National Anthem

The National Anthem
A monarch is pestered with cares,Though, no doubt, he can often trepan them;But one comes in a shape he can never escape -The implacable National Anthem!Though for quiet and rest he may yearn,It pursues him at every turn -No chance of forsakingIts ROCOCO numbers;They haunt him when waking -They poison his slumbers -Like the Banbury Lady, whom every one knows,He's cursed with its music wherever he goes!Though its words but imperfectly rhyme,And the devil himself couldn't scan them;With composure polite he endures day and nightThat illiterate National Anthem!It serves a good purpose, I own:Its strains are devout and impressive -Its heart-stirring... Poems - Post by : homebiznetwork - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1152

The Practical Joker The Practical Joker

The Practical Joker
Oh what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes!What keen enjoyment springsFrom cheap and simple things!What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes,That pain and trouble brewFor every one but you!Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havanah,Its unexpected flashBurns eyebrows and moustache;When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha,But common sense suggestsYou keep it for your guests -Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red-hot coppers,And much amusement bidesIn common butter-slides.And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers.Coal scuttles, recollect,Produce the same effect.A man possessedOf common senseNeed not investAt great expense -It... Poems - Post by : Gary_Wilkinson - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 2874

A Classical Revival A Classical Revival

A Classical Revival
At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intentionTo revive the classic memories of Athens at its best,For my company possesses all the necessary dresses,And a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the rest.We've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic)Who respond to the CHOREUTAE of that cultivated age,And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster,Would accept as the CHOREGUS of the early Attic stage.This return to classic ages is considered in their wages,Which are always calculated by the day or by the week -And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in OBOLOI and DRACHMAE,Which they'll get... Poems - Post by : jojac - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 3507

Out Of Sorts Out Of Sorts

Out Of Sorts
When you find you're a broken-down critter,Who is all of a trimmle and twitter,With your palate unpleasantly bitter,As if you'd just bitten a pill -When your legs are as thin as dividers,And you're plagued with unruly insiders,And your spine is all creepy with spiders,And you're highly gamboge in the gill -When you've got a beehive in your head,And a sewing machine in each ear,And you feel that you've eaten your bed,And you've got a bad headache DOWN HERE -When such facts are about,And these symptoms you findIn your body or crown -Well, it's time to look out,You may make up your... Poems - Post by : merelyhuman - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1211

A Manager's Perplexities A Manager's Perplexities

A Manager's Perplexities
Were I a king in very truth,And had a son - a guileless youth -In probable succession;To teach him patience, teach him tact,How promptly in a fix to act,He should adopt, in point of fact,A manager's profession.To that condition he should stoop(Despite a too fond mother),With eight or ten "stars" in his troupe,All jealous of each other!Oh, the man who can rule a theatrical crew,Each member a genius (and some of them two),And manage to humour them, little and great,Can govern a tuppenny-ha'penny State!Both A and B rehearsal slight -They say they'll be "all right at night"(They've both to go to... Poems - Post by : eburnes2 - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 3540

An English Girl An English Girl

An English Girl
A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,In her magnificent comeliness,Is an English girl of eleven stone two,And five foot ten in her dancing shoe!She follows the hounds, and on she pounds -The "field" tails off and the muffs diminish -Over the hedges and brooks she bounds -Straight as a crow, from find to finish.At cricket, her kin will lose or win -She and her maids, on grass and clover,Eleven maids out - eleven maids in -(And perhaps an occasional "maiden over").Go search the world and search the sea,Then come you home and sing with meThere's no such gold and no such... Poems - Post by : jallen001 - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1148

Anglicised Utopia Anglicised Utopia

Anglicised Utopia
Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses,Which empties our police courts, and abolishes divorces.(Divorce is nearly obsolete in England.)No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendour;For the higher his position is, the greater the offender.(That's a maxim that is prevalent in England.)No Peeress at our Drawing-Room before the Presence passesWho wouldn't be accepted by the lower-middle classes;Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed out neatly.In short, this happy country has been Anglicised completely!It really is surprisingWhat a thorough AnglicisingWe've brought about - Utopia's quite another land;In her enterprising movements,She is England - with improvements,Which we dutifully offer... Poems - Post by : phenz - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1825

Limited Liability Limited Liability

Limited Liability
Some seven men form an Association(If possible, all Peers and Baronets),They start off with a public declarationTo what extent they mean to pay their debts.That's called their Capital: if they are waryThey will not quote it at a sum immense.The figure's immaterial - it may varyFrom eighteen million down to eighteenpence.I should put it rather low;The good sense of doing soWill be evident at once to any debtor.When it's left to you to sayWhat amount you mean to pay,Why, the lower you can put it at, the better.They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em,Quite irrespective of their... Poems - Post by : rhinoprocomp - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 2830

Good Little Girls Good Little Girls

Good Little Girls
Although of native maids the cream,We're brought up on the English scheme -The best of allFor great and smallWho modesty adore.For English girls are good as gold,Extremely modest (so we're told),Demurely coy - divinely cold -And we are that - and more.To please papa, who argues thus -All girls should mould themselves on us,Because we are,By furlongs far,The best of all the bunch;We show ourselves to loud applauseFrom ten to four without a pause -Which is an awkward time becauseIt cuts into our lunch.Oh, maids of high and low degree,Whose social code is rather free,Please look at us and you will... Poems - Post by : dannynel - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 807

Put A Penny In The Slot Put A Penny In The Slot

Put A Penny In The Slot
If my action's stiff and crude,Do not laugh, because it's rude.If my gestures promise larks,Do not make unkind remarks.Clockwork figures may be foundEverywhere and all around.Ten to one, if I but knew,You are clockwork figures too.And the motto of the lot,"Put a penny in the slot!"Usurer, for money lent,Making out his cent per cent -Widow plump or maiden rare,Deaf and dumb to suitor's prayer -Tax collectors, whom in vainYou implore to "call again" -Cautious voter, whom you findSlow in making up his mind -If you'd move them on the spot,Put a penny in the slot!Bland reporters in the courts,Who suppress police... Poems - Post by : jvgrago - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 3152

One Against The World One Against The World

One Against The World
It's my opinion - though I ownIn thinking so I'm quite alone -In some respects I'm but a fright.YOU like my features, I suppose?I'M disappointed with my nose:Some rave about it - perhaps they're right.My figure just sets off a fit;But when they say it's exquisite(And they DO say so), that's too strong.I hope I'm not what people callOpinionated! After all,I'm but a goose, and may be wrong!When charms enthralThere's some excuseFor measures strong;And after allI'm but a goose,And may be wrong!My teeth are very neat, no doubt;But after all they MAY fall out:I think they will - some think... Poems - Post by : srbrad - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1121

He Loves! He Loves!

He Loves!
He loves! If in the bygone yearsThine eyes have ever shedTears - bitter, unavailing tears,For one untimely dead -If in the eventide of lifeSad thoughts of her arise,Then let the memory of thy wifePlead for my boy - he dies!He dies! If fondly laid asideIn some old cabinet,Memorials of thy long-dead brideLie, dearly treasured yet,Then let her hallowed bridal dress -Her little dainty gloves -Her withered flowers - her faded tress -Plead for my boy - he loves!(The end)W. S. Gilbert's poem: He Loves!... Poems - Post by : John_Taylor - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1576

Poetry Everywhere Poetry Everywhere

Poetry Everywhere
What time the poet hath hymnedThe writhing maid, lithe-limbed,Quivering on amaranthine asphodel,How can he paint her woes,Knowing, as well he knows,That all can be set right with calomel?When from the poet's plinthThe amorous colocynthYearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills,How can he hymn their throesKnowing, as well he knows,That they are only uncompounded pills?Is it, and can it be,Nature hath this decree,Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell?Or that in all her worksSomething poetic lurks,Even in colocynth and calomel?(The end)W. S. Gilbert's poem: Poetry Everywhere... Poems - Post by : BigTed - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1687

Sleep On! Sleep On!

Sleep On!
Fear no unlicensed entry,Heed no bombastic talk,While guards the British SentryPall Mall and Birdcage Walk.Let European thundersOccasion no alarms,Though diplomatic blundersMay cause a cry "To arms!"Sleep on, ye pale civilians;All thunder-clouds defy:On Europe's countless millionsThe Sentry keeps his eye!Should foreign-born rapscallionsIn London dare to showTheir overgrown battalions,Be sure I'll let you know.Should Russians or NorwegiansPollute our favoured climeWith rough barbaric legions,I'll mention it in time.So sleep in peace, civilians,The Continent defy;While on its countless millionsThe Sentry keeps his eye !(The end)W. S. Gilbert's poem: Sleep On!... Poems - Post by : AndConNetBiz - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 2336

The Great Oak Tree The Great Oak Tree

The Great Oak Tree
There grew a little flower'Neath a great oak tree:When the tempest 'gan to lowerLittle heeded she:No need had she to cower,For she dreaded not its power -She was happy in the bowerOf her great oak tree!Sing hey,Lackaday!Let the tears fall freeFor the pretty little flower and the great oak tree!When she found that he was fickle,Was that great oak tree,She was in a pretty pickle,As she well might be -But his gallantries were mickle,For Death followed with his sickle,And her tears began to trickleFor her great oak tree!Sing hey,Lackaday!Let the tears fall freeFor the pretty little flower and the great oak... Poems - Post by : doylepub - Date : September 2011 - Author : W. S. Gilbert - Read : 1082