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'bart's' Club "bart's" Club

'bart's' Club
("In my view, the most absolutely perfect club of all would be a club where absolutely every man could get in, it mattered not what he had done in the past."--Bart Kennedy.) It fills, indeed, a long felt need, This institution, just arisen; We notice here that atmosphere Of restaurant and prison, Of green-room, gambling-hell, saloon, Which makes it an especial boon. That member there with close-cropped hair, Who noisily inhales... Poems - Post by : exolis - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 2991

King Leopold King Leopold

King Leopold
("In dealing with a race that has been composed of cannibals for thousands of years, it is necessary to use methods that best can shake their idleness and make them realise the sanctity of labour."--King Leopold of Belgium on the Congo scandal.) People call him "knave" and "ogre" and a lot of kindred names, Or they label him as "tyrant" and "oppressor"; The majority must wilfully misunderstand his aims To regard him in the light of a transgressor. For, to tell the... Poems - Post by : steve1188 - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 915

The Conversational Reformer The Conversational Reformer

The Conversational Reformer
When Theo: Roos: unfurled his bann: As Pres: of an immense Repub: And sought to manufact: a plan For saving people troub:. His mode of spelling (termed phonet:) Affec: my brain like an emet:. And I evolved a scheme (pro tem) To simplify my mother-tongue, That so in fame I might resem: Upt: Sinc:, who wrote "The Jung:," And rouse an interest enorm:... Poems - Post by : nicholas - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1854

The Music-hall Comedian The Music-hall Comedian

The Music-hall Comedian
When the day of toil is ended, When our labours are suspended, And we hunger for agreeable society, The relentless voice of Pleasure Bids us spend an hour of leisure In a Music-Hall or Palace of Variety, Where to furnish relaxation Ev'ry effort is directed, Tho' the claims of ventilation Have been carefully neglected. There's an atmosphere oppressive (For the... Poems - Post by : Newnum4you - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 2786

The Policeman The Policeman

The Policeman
My hero may be daily seen In ev'ry crowded London street; Longsuff'ring, stoical, serene, With huge pontoonlike feet, His boots so stout, so squat, so square, A motor-car might shelter there. The traffic's cataract he dams, With hands that half obscure the sun, Like monstrous, vast Virginian hams. A trifle underdone; The while the matron... Poems - Post by : sk1442 - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1189

The Waiter The Waiter

The Waiter
"He also serves who only stands and waits!" My hero does all three, and even more. Bearing a dozen food-congested plates, With silent tread (altho' his feet are sore), He swiftly skates across the parquet floor. None can afford completely to ignore him, Because, of course, he "carries all before him!" Endowed with some of Cinquevalli's charm, He poises plate on plate, and never swerves; Two... Poems - Post by : Apache - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1979

The Colonel The Colonel

The Colonel
Observe him, in the best armchair, At ev'ry "Service" Club reclining! How brightly through its close-cropped hair! His polished skull is shining! His form, inert and comatose, Suggests a stertorous repose. What strains are these that echo clear? What music on our ears is falling? Through his Æolian nose we hear The distant East... Poems - Post by : Darrell_Boyce - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 2156

The Faddist The Faddist

The Faddist
Gentle Reader, is your bosom filled with loathing At the mention of the "Simple Life" brigade? Do you shudder at their Jaeger underclothing, Which is "fearfully and wonderfully made"? Though in manner they resemble "poor relations," Or umbrellas which their owners have forgot, They contribute to the gaiety of nations,... Poems - Post by : unknown - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 2115

The Man Who Knows The Man Who Knows

The Man Who Knows
How few of us contrive to shine In ordinary conversation As brightly as this human mine Of universal information, Or give mankind the benefit Of such encyclopædic wit. How few of us can lightly touch On any topic one may mention With so much savoir-faire, or such Exasperating condescension; Or take so lively a delight In setting other people right.... Poems - Post by : Ginryu - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1353

The Dentist The Dentist

The Dentist
What a dangerous trade is the dentist's! With what perils he has to contend, As he plunges his paws In the gibbering jaws Of some trusting but terrified friend, With the risk that before he is ten minutes older His arms may be bitten off short at the shoulder! He is born... Poems - Post by : bit_twiddler - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 3012

The Gourmand The Gourmand

The Gourmand
(A Ballad of Reading Grill) He did not wear his swallow-tail, But a simple dinner-coat; For once his spirits seemed to fail, And his fund of anecdote. His brow was drawn and damp and pale, And a lump stood in his throat. I never saw a person stare, With looks so dour and blue, Upon the square of bill-of-fare We waiters... Poems - Post by : 64509 - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1628

The Gilded Youth The Gilded Youth

The Gilded Youth
A monocle he always wears, Safe screwed within his dexter eye; His mouth stands open wide, and snares The too intrusive fly. Were he to close his jaws, no doubt, The eyeglass would at once fall out. His choice of clothes is truly weird; His jacket, short, and negligée, Is slit behind, as tho' he feared... Poems - Post by : profitop - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1050

The Actor Manager The Actor Manager

The Actor Manager
Long ago, our English actors Ranked with rogues and vagabonds; They were jailed as malefactors, They were ducked in village ponds. In the stocks the beadle shut them, While the friends they chanced to meet Would invariably cut them In the street. With suspicion people eyed them, Ev'ry... Poems - Post by : newbiz04 - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 3050

The Baritone The Baritone

The Baritone
In many a boudoir nowadays The baritone's decolleté throat Produces weird unearthly lays, Like some dyspeptic goat Deprived but lately of her young (But not, alas! of either lung). His low-necked collar fails to show The contours of his manly chest, Since that has fallen far below His "fancy evening vest." Here, too, in picturesque relief, Nestles his crimson handkerchief.... Poems - Post by : 2EzGuides - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 3414

The Fumbler The Fumbler

The Fumbler
Gentle Reader, charge your tumbler With anæmic lemonade! Let us toast our fellow-fumbler, Who was surely born, not made. None of all our friends is "dearer" (Costs us more--to be jocose--); No relation could be nearer, More intensely "close"! Hear him indistinctly mumbling "Oh, I say, do let me pay!"... Poems - Post by : dung2012 - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1358

The Cry Of The Author The Cry Of The Author

The Cry Of The Author
O my Publisher, how dreadfully you bore me! Of your censure I am frankly growing tired. With your diatribes eternally before me, How on earth can I expect to feel inspired? You are orderly, no doubt, and systematic, In that office where recumbent you recline; You would modify your methods in an attic... Poems - Post by : youkon - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1929

The Cry Of The Publisher The Cry Of The Publisher

The Cry Of The Publisher
O my Author, do you hear the Autumn calling? Does its message fail to reach you in your den, Where the ink that once so sluggishly was crawling Courses swiftly through your stylographic pen? 'Tis the season when the editor grows active, When the office-boy looks longingly to you. Won't you give him something novel and attractive... Poems - Post by : voldermorth - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 3419

Envoi (from 'ruthless Rhymes') Envoi (from "ruthless Rhymes")

Envoi (from 'ruthless Rhymes')
SPEED, Ruthless Rhymes; throughout the land Disperse yourselves with patient zeal! Go, perch upon the Critic's hand, Just after he has had a meal. But should he still unkindly be, Unperch and hasten back to me. And soever you may roam,... Poems - Post by : uwin2 - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 2196

The Children's 'don't' The Children's "don't"

The Children's 'don't'
DON'T tell Papa his nose is red As any rosebud or geranium, Forbear to eye his hairless head Or criticise his cootlike cranium; 'Tis years of sorrow and of care Have made his head come through his hair. Don't give your... Poems - Post by : AlexR - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1980

The Cat (advice To The Young) The Cat (advice To The Young)

The Cat (advice To The Young)
My children, you should imitate The harmless, necessary cat, Who eats whatever's on his plate, And doesn't even leave the fat; Who never stays in bed too late, Or does immoral things like that; Instead of saying "Shan't!" or "Bosh!"... Poems - Post by : ladylove - Date : November 2011 - Author : Harry Graham - Read : 1123